The 7 Types Of Man-Hugs

Posted by Abbie Anker on Sunday, May 19, 2024

The way you hug, especially the way you hug other men, speaks volumes about what kind of man you are. Everyone has a style they're comfortable with but when mismatched man-huggers embrace, it's a recipe for chaotic social awkwardness.

We need order, so below is an attempt to classify the most commonly used forms of man-hug. Please comment below if you think we've missed any. Otherwise, bring it in, big guy.

The Bear Hug

To start with a grizzly classic, the bear offers affection without compromising anyone’s testosterone levels. A scientifically proven antidote to grief, divorce or relegation, this man-hug pulls you in close, the musk of pheromones and waning antiperspirant telling you that somehow, everything is going to be OK.
How it's done: In a perfect world the bear-hugger would always be taller than the bear huggee, so the guy on the receiving end could nestle his head somewhere near the breastbone of the bigger man's ample torso. But bigger guys deserve an enveloping brace too, so the rules of engagement are thus: feet close to maximise physical contact; arms wide to convey the sense of being swallowed; and don't just hug – squeeze. Hair sniffing optional.


The What's-Wrong-With-A-Handshake

Not all men are huggers, so this quasi-hug can be used when a reserved non-hugger is forced into an embrace with another man. It's awkward, it's reluctant. It's a man-hug that says, "How do I know that you don't have smallpox?" NB, it can also be used by regular huggers in situations where a hug is not required, like when Nathan from IT left the company and mistakenly thought you were "tight".
How it's done: The golden rule – at no point should any part of your hips or general groin area touch any part of your co-hugger's hips or general groin area. To achieve this, while your arms circumnavigate his shoulders for a mercifully brief pat on the back, tilt your hips away and stick your backside out, visibly communicating to any witnesses that you are not enjoying this, not one bit.

The Special Occasions Hug

Self explanatory, really. An emotional hug for emotional times.
How it's done: A tight and tender embrace, this is chins-on-shoulders stuff, your stubble bristling against his. If it's a Really Special Occasion, like the birth of a child or your half-brother leaving for Castle Black to fight the white walkers, grab the back of his shirt in your fist for added emotional wallop.

The Bro Bump

Used as a greeting between two alpha-level males, this is brief but full of meaning. Perfected in recent years by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, it's a macho embrace that quietly says, "You my boy" or "Nice form on that seated shoulder press."
How it's done: Perhaps the most complex man-hug on our list, this all hinges on a successful interlocking of hands, like two skydivers performing a death-defying mid-air manoeuvre. Your right hand and his right hand, entwined at the thumb, become the anchor point for what follows: a glancing kiss of two well-trained deltoids, one – maybe two – pats on the back and then part. "Whassup bro? How've you been?" Beautiful.

The I-Got-You

You see this one when the amount of alcohol in a man's system means the norms of personal space have long since been abandoned. In the haze, and with basic motor skills disabled, one man clings to the other like a piece of flotsam in a squall. "No, listen ... you're ... you ... listen, right ... you're my brother ... my bro ... my... what's your name again?"
How it's done: While you grab him like a marine carrying his wounded brother off the battlefield, he will respond like an anaesthetised German Shepherd. After an initial struggle, he’ll dump all his weight on you and slide a sweaty palm down the side of your face. He’ll probably rip the breast pocket off your shirt while you’re at it. And maybe, just maybe, he'll be sick on your shoes.

The Final-Whistle Tango

Lubricated by the euphoria of a last-minute winner (and usually at least four rounds of watered-down lager), this is the one-night stand of man-hugs: spontaneous, urgent, sloppy and handsy. Man's natural reaction to an unlikely sporting victory is the frenzied search for human contact (preferably male – sorry, ladies). It's glorious, it's ecstatic. And after a few minutes of enthusiastic bobbing up and down, it's all over and no-one talks about it in the morning.
How it's done: For this one, there are no rules, no thinking, it's all instinct. Do what feels right and don't hold back. Just try not to spill Carlsberg on the people sitting in front of you.

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